Thursday, July 10, 2014

I'll See You in the Mourning...

How many of us has lost someone we loved?  

My bet is MOST of us have had the heart wrenching moment when we find out someone we love has passed on.

Perfect characterization from the Internet!
I was 13 years old when one of my best friends died a violent death.  Who has coping skills at the age of 13??  Certainly not me.  I learned right away that it was best to mourn silently and alone.  I figured out how to 'stuff' my feelings.  It was a defining moment that made me angry for many years and triggered a chain reaction of not good things.

Thank You, Internet!
It was almost a joke about how much death seemed to follow me around.  By the time I was 25, I'd already been to five times the amount of funerals as weddings and started to get bajigged about getting close to people since everyone 'kept dying on me.'  

Thank You, Inernet!
As time has marched on, I have naturally lost more people.  One of which was a parent who was also one of my soul mates.  That one hit the hardest and compounded the rest ten fold by taking my own breath away.  I had this raw, insanely huge hole right in the middle of my very soul.  A part of me had died as well and I had to stand as tall as possible during a very hellacious time.  My little world crumbled and I could no longer stuff my feelings, mostly because the only thing I DID feel was numb.  Numb and utterly alone.  

Death is a part of life.  I have spoken to many folks about how they've dealt with their losses and whilst we are all different, the pain of loss is the pain of loss.  Some people believe they will see their loved ones again in Heaven, some believe their loved ones are gone forever with no chance of being reunited.  

Look carefully, there's a butterfly in the midst of
the earth...
I choose to believe those who are gone from this plane of life are only gone from physical sight.  They are very much a part of us, every day.  Our soul mates never leave us, not really.  I will see them again. I choose hope.  

After a tremendous amount of work and kindness to myself, I started to realize something amazing was happening.  That large, insanely dark raw black hole in the middle of my soul wasn't as dark.  

And as more time marched on, I started to finally see that flowers can bloom in what was once my dark black hole. It had been carefully patched over with some nutrient-rich soil and only the most precious seeds have been planted.  There is scar tissue, of course, on my soul, but I choose to treat it with a loving embrace 
instead of anger and discontent.  I choose to miss those I love with a gentle longing and an occasional tear instead of beating my head against the wall in frustration and anger.  Loss will make it's way around, as it always does. No doubt of that.  And it will always feel like a little hell on earth when it comes.  

But we can't forget to plant some flowers and embrace the life we still have within ourselves...


1 comment:

  1. Hi Michelle, your writing is quite exquisite and to the point. Over the last year and a half I have lost four very important people in my life. At the end of January 2013 I lost one of my real anchors, my sponsor, in the twelve step fellowship I belong to NA, his name was Larry, he was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident a true friend and advisor. Then only a month later my pal for many years in the astronomical society I belonged Frank, he was a wily character and we would sit for hours discussing the world it’s problems and all the abstract things that might make it a better place. Frank died of a sudden heart attack in his sleep. The next was this last January and the big one, my twin brother Gary after enduring a long period of painful physical maladies committed suicide. This was out of the blue and no one saw it coming. To an extent I am still in shock over it and I will and have been having my ups and downs with it. There are times I am numb over it considering the terrible place my brother was in, pain darkness and all to pull the trigger the he did. Yeah this one is going to be there a long time but I am trying to find the ground to plant the flowers on this. The last one that died did so a couple of months ago a woman named Stephanie who was a cousin of another of my friends Andy. I had known Stephanie for a few years and we talked off and on a regular basis mostly over the phone as she lived out in northern California. But she was in and out of the drug and alcohol scene using very heavily and then Andy got the call that Stephanie overdosed and languished in a coma for several days before passing away. Stephanie was quite a soulful confidant, I would only have wished that she would have been able to take some of her own advice and she would still be with us. These are the inexplicable things that lack all understanding. Which, brings to mind that today the 16th makes for 29 years in the program of Narcotics Anonymous where I stopped using drugs and alcohol on 16 July 1985, this I consider my greatest achievement. I was in a very dark hole in my youth with the stuff. Michelle pray you never get caught up with the stuff as it’s a bad scene and it’s not getting any better out there. By the way you write I like who you are as a human being Michelle. You speak openly and honestly about yourself and the world around you. We need more of that and not less. And your TV show is a wonderful idea keep that going that is some good solid seeds and earth being planted there. You’re rockin soul sister, see you on Facebook, Randy